I love what she wrote on her playlist…though ironically, the music…not really. By Needtobreathe, how real is it to think…Could we stay and say enough to change my mind

How often have I felt that way, a little too close for comfort.

I haven’t posted in here for a long while, not that it matters…and not that anyone reads this. But I feel compelled to pen down some thoughts before 2010 ends. And time does seem to spiral out of control. I am not one to take pictures….the lack of pictoral evidence of the last 10 years of my life does alarm me at times. So…well, perhaps I’d have some words to fall back on.

On many counts, 2010 has shown me…that God is really merciful and He has blessed me in too many ways. I am truly undeserving. More so than I have ever, ever been. And I don’t for one moment think that I truly did this with my own effort. I cannot even fathom it. I am, by far, the most unlikely person to pass a driving test…but I did, somehow. Despite the fact that terror still grips my throat and I stop breathing for 5 secs when things happen on the road…even when I’m a passenger. It is indeed very warped. My uncle found it the funniest thing ever…sigh, don’t blame him. And when Gab curses female drivers on the road, I can’t help but agree. I mean, seriously?!

And everything that I have faced so far at work…is more divine planning than anything. All things work for the good of those who love Him, and I truly see that falling into place. Every single thing…from my colleagues (the good and the bad), my students (ditto), the work, the periods of utter exhaustion and frustration, the moments of joy, of peace… Today marks the last day that I stood before the band and watched them perform. I hadn’t felt so proud of them since KII. And as much as I thought I hardly knew music, I realised that I do feel it. That distinct moment when the horns nailed their last note, when B surged with praise…for once I felt that hey, I truly recognised and felt the music. That music does truly feed the soul, and I am thankful for having experienced that over the last 2.5 years. And they have truly taught me as much as I have taught them.

And yet…or so?, on many other counts…I still feel as … I can’t quite find the word. My English must really suck…hurhur. One wonders, if what everyone yearns for in life, doesn’t quite exist. I want to be challenged, and yet I want to breathe. I want to do, and yet I can’t just do. I want to love, and yet I can’t quite learn to give unconditionally.

But I don’t know how I do it either.

And so…2010 ends on a mark of unending confusion.

You know this is going to sound unorthodox, but I totally believe in karma. In the words of Romans, let God deal with it for you. If I could beat a person senseless, I would. To just snap them to face the truth. But most times, that’s out of the question.

I cannot understand, for the life of me, what motivates one to be in such denial. If you’re self-destructive, fine. But if you’re hurting others?? Or perhaps, some have no ounce of empathy in them. I don’t get it. I hope I have some answers by this December.

I bought E-BOOKS for my ipod touch…and I am very very excited to finish them all….sigh, marking…

Listening to Walnut Tree by Keane reminds me of that last day at Kuta Beach, Bali. I spent my last hours in Bali on a sunlit beach, contemplating and thinking about life. About all that had transpired, about the people that I had loved and love, about hopes, dreams…and it was a perfect place to be awed by the majesty of God’s wonders and put into place.

Evidence: I have fresh wholemeal bread EVERY MORNING.
Some more evidence: My mum made STRAWBERRY JAM with it today.
Even more evidence: Fresh pasta, anyone?

2) I am too old for my favourite radio station.

Evidence: It’s tagline: Favourite station for those between 15 and 24 o_O

3) But I learnt grand things from 98.7FM.

Evidence: After Tuesday, the days of the week are WTF (Go figure).
More Evidence: PMS is a legal defense for murder.

4) My favourite quote of the week: “The Ugly Singaporean is one who knows the price of everything, but the value of nothing.” (From the late Mr. S. Rajaratnam)

5) My Grand Question to Educators: If we are so apprehensive of exploring, mentioning or discussing ‘taboo’ issues such as suicide, and thus advocate staying far far away from even writing about a character who commits suicide, then WHY DOES MOE ALLOW STUDENTS TO SPEND 2 YEARS ANALYSING, DISSECTING AND WRITING ABOUT A LIT TEXT that explores the various motivations and ways of suicide? Myopic and contradictory, yes?

6) My Final Thought of the Week: If we study a Lit text that includes ‘Fuck You’ and ‘Fuck Off’, which involves READING it out loud (perhaps even staging it), then would the ‘O’ levels ever feature that passage with those words? Perhaps not in a million years, so perhaps we should not study that scene too hard huh. What if my student writes a play tomorrow and includes the following words: fuck, bloody bastard, go and die… Where do we draw the line between what is coarse, and what is art? How do we answer such questions? Authority is awarded to a professional playwright with a MA from the UK, while 16-year-old students hold no weight?

Oh, education and its ethical dilemmas.

I must be too free to think of these things when I have so much to do.

Monday:
Die(d) under Steven @ Ubi for 2 hours
Marmalade Pantry with the girls
Cedele thereafter
Come home to my baby puppy
Mark Lit HW

Tuesday:
Torture my Lit kids for 3 hours at 8.30 ungodly hour
Cram everything I know into JC for 1 hr
Gym and mark Prelims!
Come home to my darling puppy
Mark Prelims

Wednesday:
Body Attack at 9am
RUN RUN RUN at 10am
Set ALL 3 papers
Band Festival 2-6pm
Grandmother’s birthday dinner
Mark Prelims ALL NIGHT

Thursday:
Mark Prelims ALL MORNING
Torture Lit kids for 3 hours
Drink coffee like its water
Mark Prelims ALL NIGHT / Hopefully go to M’s place instead

Friday:
Wake up at ungodly hour of 5.30am cos lesson is at 7(!!!!)
Torture 3 sleepy Lit kids for 3 hours
RUN RUN RUN
Mark Prelims ALL DAY

Saturday and Sunday:
Climb
Mark Prelims…..

Too many things, too little time.

I love ginger cats.

I meet them everywhere.

But especially in shops.

They guard glass doors.

Greet you when you enter.

And they stand majestically on the counter to sink their watchful eyes on you.

And sometimes, you find them too, in baskets.

All curled up under a bicycle in a bike shop.

This one’s in a sink, but wth, I don’t mind one in my sink too.

Today, I did retail therapy. 

SL FINALLY opened  

Am not in a bad shape, I have allowed myself to be much worst.

One often thinks that when I’m despondent, it must be work.

But with the exception of practicum, it has never ever been work. 

Work can throw me problems, but it’s never hard to untangle. 

It may be uncomfortable or annoying, but that’s it.

There are all these other things in life….that are all at once – unfathomable, painful, exasperating, disappointing, contradictory…and I’m in this place of not knowing what to do with it.    

And that’s why a ginger cat in a basket would make it all go away. 

Sigh.

I just want to have an uninterrupted, peaceful and truly happy last quarter of my 20s.

As much as people crave change, I really do just want stability.

But if I’m not convinced, stability eludes me.

Sigh.

arghhhhhhhhhhhhh